In 2020 I learned.
In 2020 I grew.
I really fell deep into the dark hole of depression and suicidal thoughts. Being here today is by the grace of God. In January 2020, I was having panic attacks and I would wake up with half of my body numb. We had issues with our place of residence. From threats to insults. I panicked whenever the doorbell would ring.
In February the worse finally happened. I was angry.
My anger was not towards those who I felt should have made the right choices but at myself. How could I sleep on myself for so long? How could I have doubted my abilities and my gifts? It felt like I had been asleep for 5 years and after the events of February, I woke up!
The person in the mirror was a stranger. I had failed myself and I even cut my hair.
Yeah and I ended my 4-year relationship in January of 2020. I was not happy and I needed to walk away else I would lose it.
One important lesson I learned in 2020 was that I was never on the wrong path. The biggest mistake I had made all my life was to seek validation from people. I don’t know how you would call it – holy ghost, instincts, or intuition. Whatever it is, it has always guided me but fear made me doubt that voice. Imagine watching a course and the instructor repeats the same thing your instincts have been telling you. It is like having an invincible mentor on your shoulder guiding you but you ignore and then you get a confirmation that it was right and you should have listened.
I am learning to listen and be guided. It is not easy but I am a work in progress.
Life taught me a lot. People showed themselves and I am glad they did.
Even though we lost our house and my car was seized, I am healthy and full of ideas.
- Be consistent – my lack of consistency is one of the reasons I am not able to accomplish my goals.
- You are sabotaging yourself when you give up at the sign of progress.
- If you are not happy, do not let anyone convince you to stay. You will end up depressed and frustrated.
- Do not suspend your life because you are trying to lose weight. My mistake was I did not want to go out or see anyone. I said to myself I’ll do so and so when I lose weight. The funny thing with this is I ended up gaining 5kgs. What I would do now is shop for clothes that fit my current body while I work on my fitness goals and love myself unconditionally.
- Take people for what they have shown you. Trust me they hardly change.
- I never needed anybody’s permission. All I had to do was get up and go for what I wanted.
- Rebel a little. Sometimes being too good is a problem. The adults in your life will make you feel bad the moment you decide to take a different path. You have to brace yourself for the emotional blackmail and the guilt-tripping. It will hurt and you will cry but you must stick to your choices.
- Do not live your life for others. See people have short memories. You decide to sacrifice your education or your life to be there for them and the moment things go bad, they will be the first to remind you of the things you could have been or the things you should have done. They will forget the good and hit you below the belt. So live your life. Get that degree. Go for that job. Do not hold back your dreams.
- Take risks. If you fail the world will not end. Just do it.
- There is nothing wrong with starting small. You do not have to have it all figured out. I used to think everything has to be perfect before I start but 2020 taught me to start where you are with what you have.
I appreciate everything 2020 gave me. The wake-up call was needed.
Cheers to 2021